Depression

So I'll start with the basics of depression. What is depression? According to dictionary.com depression is "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason". And to that I say good guess, but I don't think depression is one of those things that can have a definite definition (pun) like love. I'm not going to write about depression based on "facts" and "clinical studies". I'll write about depression based on my perspective and my personal experience with it. In my words depression is a state of mind and feeling. There isn't anything like it. Happiness is not a state of mind and feeling. Happiness is the feeling due to the result of a state of mind. Depression is a state of mind that can be controlled and can therefore control your feelings. So what causes depression and to be in that state of mind? You. Only you are to blame. Whether you are someone who has been abused, unloved, bullied, fucked over, or given an expiration date no one is to blame but you. I'll begin with my story. I went to a private elementary school from K-5 grade. I had a lot of friends and I was so happy at that school. I was switched to a private middle school for 6-8 grade. On my first day there, I knew one person and I had only talked to her once or twice in all my life. I was always the social butterfly among my friends but among strangers I was shy. As the years went by and I entered 8th grade I was bestfriends with this one girl. We were each other's bestfriends, and we were known as the "outcast". We sat at a table alone or sometimes a couple other "outcasts" sat with us. We were considered the "emo evil twins". Always being teased and left out of the rest of the class. We hated everyone for seeing us as "different". We pitied ourselves and thought we lived the worst lives ever. I remember when I didn't start shaving my legs until 8th grade and all the girls made fun of me. As the year progressed I became more self-reserved and hateful. I hated the school. I hated the dress code. I hated the teachers. I hated the kids. I hated the rules. I hated everything about it. And I began to take my attitude home with me. I began to hate my parents for making me go to that school. I hated my church friends for not understanding and making me the "outcast" in the one place I felt loved. I began to hate life. I could find no positivity and no happiness anywhere. In March of 8th grade I decided to do something bold. I got a drastic haircut. From my long beautiful golden blonde hair to boy short, black hair with a faux hawk. And at school, I wasn't even allowed to style it like a faux hawk. I was trying to do something I wanted that would make me happy and the school wouldn't even let me style it how I wanted? Did self-appearance really matter that much? My family's reaction to it was just as bad. Everyone hated it. I began to get teased for my hair, my black clothes, my eyeliner, my music choice, everything, by my own family. The ones who are supposed to love me and accept me for who I am. I was depressed. I couldn't find a reason to smile. I couldn't find a reason to enjoy life. At one point I considered the option of suicide. The easy way out. I figured if I ended my life then I wouldn't have to deal with this pain and rejection I felt everyday. I figured people who realize that I felt like a tortured soul and I had to get out someway. Then I thought about my dog. Yes, my dog was the one reason I decided not to take my own life. I thought about how he would survive. Everyday he sat by the door waiting for me to come home from school. When I wasn't at home he'd whine and whine until I walked into the door. He was my hope, he was my life. Something clicked in my head and I realized I needed to snap out of this. Thinking so negatively about everything is what got me here in the first place. If I had looked at the positive side of things way back then, I know I would have found happiness somewhere. So I decided to take things day by day and think about my dog and how much he needed me. I finally graduated middle school and went on to high school. I won't go in depth there because I could go on for ages about my experiences. I will say this though. I found a new bestfriend. She introduced me to the devil's gift to the world, drugs. And Jesus did those drugs help. They became my crutch to escape my depressive state of mind. I switched schools because my grades began to slip and my parents wanted me with "better influences". Those people were the church kids, the ones who rejected me long ago. I clicked with the druggies instead. Homecoming 2008: I stole a box of coricidin (also known as triple C, a cough medicine) I couldn't remember if I was supposed to take half a box or a quarter of a box. I was also pissed about something (I don't remember what). So I did the stupidest thing ever and took a whole box. Along with some Jack Daniels. An hour later I was throwing up in a parking lot. Suddenly I wake up in a Carl's Jr. bathroom. Suddenly I wake up in a bank parking lot. Suddenly I'm sitting in the bleachers at the football game. Suddenly I'm at my locker. I was blacked out half the night and thank God someone was there to take care of me. I remember seeing a car coming and deciding to step out onto the road for who knows what reason. Again, thank God for the person who pulled me out of the way. I cried and cried and cried to God that he'd juss let me die right there. Or at least send me an ambulence so I could swallow charcoal and be pumped full of IVs juss so I could feel good. I juss wanted to feel good. Somehow I pulled myself together, got my ass home, and passed out in bed. I woke up the next day and realized, "Oh my God. I'm a fucking mess. I can't live like this anymore." And that was the day I decided to get my act together. I couldn't live being depressed and covering it up. I wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. So my story is this: I covered the pain up with drugs and luckily came to a realization. Now that doesn't mean everyone does drugs when they are depressed. Some people cut themselves. Some people stick toothbrushes down their throats. Some people fight and get themselves into trouble. Everyone that is depressed have one thing in common: they pity themselves. That's what I believe depression is. It's a state of mind that you begin to think on the negative side and how shitty life is. How shitty it is your parents are divorced. How shitty it is you are too poor to go to the zoo. How shitty it is you don't have new clothes. How shitty it is your mother died of cancer. How shitty it is you don't look like John Travolta. How shitty it is you are the "fucked up kid" in the family. How shitty it is you've never been out of California. How shitty it is you've never been praised for your good grades. How shitty it is your girlfriend cheated on you. How shitty it is that life isn't fair. Well guess fucking what, life is NOT fair. Sitting around being in a depressive state of mind isn't going to fix that. It will make it worse. I don't know a single person who is depressed for a reason that has no positive side to it. You may not see the positive side to it, you may not believe there is a positive side to it, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. Why spend your day thinking of "Wow my life fucking sucks. I'm going to sit here and think poor pity me." instead of "Wow my life fucking sucks. I'm going to do something about it." If you let pessimism get the greater side of you, yes you are going to be depressed. This doesn't mean you have to go about life shitting rainbows with a cheshire cat grin on your face. You don't have to be cheery and think "Oh life is great." At least think neutral. Step 1: Notice when you're about to think of how bad or negative something is. Step 2: Turn it around and think about the positive side. Step 3: Take life one day at a time. Step 4: Accept the fact that although there is a reason for everything you will not always get the answer. Step 5: Smile and laugh. Even if it's a fake laugh, it actually releases endorphins that will lighten your mood. So the cause of depression: You letting your mind travel to the dark and negative side of things. The effect: Sometimes suicide or self-harm. A heavy heart. I truely believe you can die from depression. I believe if you let it take control of your mind it will take over your whole body and shut.you.down. So don't let it. You do have the power to think positive. Don't let yourself be defined by negativity. Once you do that, the devil wins. I have become today the exact opposite of who I was 4 years ago. I have come to terms with life and how it is. I'll admit that this year has been the fucking hardest time of my life. Not once did I think of taking my own life though. I have come to the point where negativity does not define who I am. Hate does not define who I am. I have come to terms with who I was, who I am, and who I will be. Someone once told me "You have to go through the rain to get to the rainbow." Once you hit rock bottom you eventually have to look up. I have hope. That is my number one key to staying positive. Always gotta have hope. So when you start to think of how bad life is and how it used to be so great remember this: Tomorrow is a new day, anything can happen at any given moment, what's meant to be is meant to be, and there is always hope.

Once Upon A Dream

Dreams have always been an intriguing thing to me. I've always wondered how the brain works in that department. Some dreams are painful, and I can feel every wound as if it were real. Some dreams are nightmares, and I can never seem to escape them. Some dreams are extremely bizzare, like being able to fly in New York then suddenly you are part of a wedding and the bride turns into a zombie marrying the love of yer life who is actually part of the mafia, the werewolf mafia that is. Some dreams are pleasant, juss spending time with friends and partying. Some dreams are confusing, you wake up and aren't sure if it was juss a dream or if it's reality. Some dreams are real dreams, ones that you wish and hope someday will come true. Some dreams are like the one I had last night. I'm not sure if it has any meaning whatsoever but it's the reason you'll be on my mind all day. I don't remember a lot of it but this is what I do remember: I was at home and you juss so happened to be my next door neighbor? All of a sudden I'm pregnant. Helluh weird how things change in a dream so fast. Then the next thing you know there's a baby in a box. Our son. We weren't on good terms at the time. So my friend and I notice you aren't home. We go to your house and the front door is unlocked. I go inside and I have my boy in the little box. I had decided I didn't want him anymore. That he needed to be your burden and not my reminder of you. Suddenly my friend and I hear your family walk into the door! So we run into the garage and I set the box down. She runs through the side door to hop the gate and I juss opened the garage. Your mom saw me and was confused as to why I was running out of her house. Oddest thing, I was laughing about it all! Then you go into the garage and see the box and me running back home. Oh, you didn't know we had a son either. That's pretty much how it ended. One of those damn weird ass dreams! I know dreams don't really mean anything, well sometimes they do. Anyways, it juss got me thinking when I woke up. I juss was wondering what would happen if I really was pregnant with your child. If it would make you stay and try to work things out, or if you'd split and I'd be one of those single mothers sueing you for child support. Haha oh the things dreams do. So yeah, that was my very weird dream last night. I juss felt like blogging it because it was unique. Then again, all dreams are unique. Hmmmmm.

Day in San Francisco

So I went to San Francisco with my family for the day today. We went to Ike's Place and stood in line for about an hour total for sandwhiches. These aren't ordinary sandwhiches though. I had a turkey, ham, and brie sandwhich on sourdough bread. All I can say is this, my mouth met heaven. We went to the beach and ate our sandwhiches on a bench. The parking lot was crazy full and all of a sudden I heard yelling. I turn around to see a +60 year old guy in his white honda or something of that sort. He is yelling, "You &%@&#(*!^#@! I was #^*(@$# here first! This is #*#^@(%$ my #*^@*$@ spot! This is #$*@^($ Americano mother $*#@*(@^@#! Go #(*#^@*($ back to (#*^@)$_^!* Mexico! (#*^)@$ you!" Like I was staring in shock with my mouth hanging wide open. He backed up a little then BAM revved into his spot. The other guy in his car juss drove off. The old guy got out of his car and starting hustling his ass to give that car a piece of his mind, but then his wife's shrieking voice, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO! (looks at my family) I'm so sorry. I told him not to do that! (back at him) YOU NEVER RESPECT ME! THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! YOU DO S*** LIKE THIS! YOU DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME! I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE LIKE THAT AND SAY THOSE THINGS! THIS IS AMERICA, YOU SAID AMERICANO AND THAT'S SPANISH YOU #*(&#*%(@!!!! HE COULD HAVE PULLED A GUN ON YOU! YOU NEVER KNOW THESE DAYS! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO THINK SO I CAN COOL OFF. I'M A MESS NOW." Literally the craziest conversation I've ever witnessed in all my life. I was so shocked that this juss happened right before my eyes. People these days.... Anywho so then we hiked down to these historical baths. The remains were quite interesting, wish I could have seen it when it existed. After that we took a hike on the Presidio (the only forested area in SanFran by the golden gate bridge). This was the kinna deep thinking/sad part of my day. I saw a group of dolphins in the bay. Then a couple, holding hands. Another couple, kissing. Another couple, hugging. Another couple, walking together. Another couple, sun bathing together. Another couple, taking pictures of themselves. It was like couple-ville! It made me so love-sick. I started to think of if how I wish I could have a boyfriend that would do that with me. Juss go to San Francisco for the day. Go take a nice walk along the beach, sightseeing a beautiful city. Juss being in that "awe-struck" moment. His arms wrapped around me, protecting me from the bone chilling winds that send goosebumps down my arms. It's amazing to me, the amount of love and protection I feel when someone's arms are around me. More than a hug, an embrace. It's nice to feel loved like that sometimes. Knowing that it's all gonna be okay. Knowing that no matter what mistakes you're going to be loved for who you are. Relationships aren't all peaches and gravy. I still want that someday though. A boyfriend who will take me on dates to something other than a typical movie. I'll admit I'm jealous of the girls my age that have boyfriends they spend a lot of time with doing everyday things. I could actually care less about spending a day in San Francisco with a special someone. It'd be nice to juss have a guy who can be a part of my family. To go with me to family BBQs on Saturdays, church on Sundays, walking the dog in the evenings, watching movies on a rainy day. I know I will someday but I can't fight that I want it now. Life is amazing right now, but it'd be perfect if I had someone alongside me to share it with. Back to my day with my family. We then drove to SanFran state where my dad went to school. Him and my mom went for a little walk around the campus. Then we went to Humphry's Slocombe and holy freaking two headed cow! They have unique flavors like Cantelope Cayenne Sorbet, Strauss Strawberry Poppyseed Sorbet, Chocolate Salt, Balsamic Caramel, etc. I had the Chocolate Salt and Vietnamese Coffee flavors and oh sweet mother of mary. Juss trust me, visit Ike's Place for a sandwhich and Humphry's Slocombe for ice cream! Then we took a little drive requested by me down Haight and Ashbury. My dad promised we'll go shopping there next time we go to San Francisco. I've been to SanFran more times than I can count and I'm happy to say I still am amazed by how beautiful it is. I lovelovelove the cold weather there and all the unique food places. So I had a pretty good "bonding" day with my family. It was actually the first time in a couple years we all went somewhere together for a day. All my brother and I used to do was bicker and fight. Today we only got into a couple disagreements that ended not too horribly. So I guess there is no point to this blog but I figure I'd write because I have nothing else to do and today made me think long and hard about a few things. I still want that stupid cookie-cutter family and oh so loving boyfriend someday though....

The Thought Of Death

So I'm sitting here and it has been a long day. I had trouble breathing this morning and passed out in my bathroom and hit my head on the counter. My head is still killing me, haha. My mother took me to the hospital and they ran blood tests and supposedly I am anemic. Which doesn't make sense since I love salad and red meat and I have given blood before. Doctors amuse me, some days they take their jobs seriously and some days they don't. They couldn't figure out why I couldn't breathe and didn't seem to be worried. Maybe it's the fact my mom is so freaked out I'm going to stop breathing again and die that freaked me out. So my blog is about this, being close to death. Even though I knew it wasn't my time to die yet, juss wondering about if I did. Who would actually attend my funeral? I wonder if my bestfriend of 16 years, who I recently got in a fight with and went our own separate ways, would attend? What about those I went to school with in elementary school and have never heard from? What would be said about me? I feel like my family would lie and say things about me that they wish were true. I know they love me, but they don't understand me at all whatsoever. So what would happen to my fellow classmates? Would they forget about me and move on with their life? Leaving behind a legacy isn't something I care about. All I want is to complete my bucket list, and share God's love. And the main thing I want to do in my life, is to die doing what I love. Whether that's jumping out of an airplane, riding my horse in the fields, or swimming in the ocean. So those are my thoughts for the night. Time for me to get some sleep!